Pieces of Peace

Last night was Goddess Night... Ahhhh, Goddess night... the second Friday of the month, from 7:30pm until (well, um... late) is a sacred time for me and the women who gather at the church to share this incredible journey we call womanhood. This particular Friday night happened to be incredibly moving for me for several reasons.

First, it was an amazing feat of time juggling to get the children coordinated for the evening. Jason was in Detroit for a masonic speaker for the first part of the night, so it was time to call in the troops. Hah! I couldn't be more appreciative for my friend in Livonia who took Kayden rollerskating and made some delicious popcorn balls for a late movie (as evidenced by the blue marshmallow lips :), and to another friend for hosting Chailyn for a fun play date! Thanks to our gracious friends, each of our family members spent an evening nurturing our spirits in our own separate ways! I went to sleep last night feeling such gratitude for the people that surround me, who bring me peace in so many ways. ((( yes, sigh here )))

Second, the content of the Goddess evening was very deep and meaningful. Mary lead the group in a meditation that drew out the light in each and every woman in the room and connected us in a circle of life. We went on to our check-in, as usual, but this time it seemed that each woman had a unique narrative of creating healthy relationships within their families that was truly touching and inspiring. At one point, when Jeanie was talking about her recent accomplishments with her work against puppy mills, an explosion of warmth actually erupted in my chest and spread throughout my body. That feeling of warmth and connectedness continued through out the night... from the conversation over plates of food to the closing when we shared what gave us peace at the end of the day. I went home feeling completely content, like a warm blanket wrapped around my soul.

And indeed, I have been finding peace in my life lately. But I didn't find it in one place, like a treasure chest buried in the sand. Instead I found little pieces of it in many different places. One surprising place I found a piece was in my own body! I have been running. I started running because I registered for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in May, so I thought I'd better prepare myself. But once I started, I couldn't stop. For the first time this week, I ran three miles in under forty minutes! It felt GREAT to reach that milestone. Not to mention that the exercise, combined with a little bit of food control, have helped me lose eight and a half pounds since the beginning of February. I am discovering first hand just how connected are the body and mind. When I don't at least take a very long walk on a given day, I feel drowsy and down by night fall. The body and mind go hand in hand, or even closer! They are just two part of one organism... our self!

I found another piece in ritual. My family started an evening prayer ritual that has helped us connect to one another, and to really be introspective in regard to our own thoughts and behaviors. We gather in the meditation room. The children light a candle and Kayden usually says, "I have a light in me." Chailyn recites a prayer that he made up about peace, love, and light. We ring a chime for a short silent meditation on a topic that the kids come up with. We have had peace, the light in us, respect, etc... Then we talk about our thoughts. We reflect on how we could have behaved more according to whatever principle we meditated on. We forgive ourselves for mistakes and vow to do our kindest the next day. We end with the chalice meditation, a squeeze pass, and a collective extinguishing of the candle. This short ritual has brought our family together in so many ways. It has put "the spiritual path" directly into the course of our day, which can often become forgotten alongside the megahighway of daily routine.

The last piece was found scattered among my friends and family. Truly, the relationships that I have are like that warm blanket wrapped around my soul. I have been closer to Jason than ever (as he is also working on his inner peace). We are sharing an understanding, respect, and joy that can often drown under more than a decade of marriage. And after last night, I realized again how amazing it is to have a network of support in a practical way... but little do all of the amazing people in my life know that the practical support has an underlying layer of love and caring that shines through each and every time they reach out a hand to help. True friendship... that is what completes my circle of peace.

As the old adage so profoundly states: The size of a heart is not measured by how much one loves, but by how much one is loved by others. Hmmm, I feel my heart swelling just now...

May peace be with you... body, mind, and spirit.

Fairly Sure

After dinner the other day, Kayden and I were sitting together... digesting, I guess. Out of the blue, she looked up at me and said, "You know, mom, if you home school me, on Tuesday afternoons, after I get my regular work done, Mr. Aaron could teach me art. He could teach me different kind of painting." She paused for thought. "We could go there or he could come over here and teach me." Aaron is a friend of ours who is an amazing artist!

Wow, I am so glad she has it all figured out! Obviously, she knows what she wants to do. I wish I could be as resolute as a confident six year old.

The more I research home schooling, the more I realize that there are so many different ways to do it... and the more I realize that it is going to be a huge learning experience. (No pun intended). Ahhh, and do you see by my grammar, that I have pretty much decided to do it. After discovering that Chailyn could take band class at Riley, even if he wasn't enrolled in full-time school there, he was totally on the homeschool bandwagon. Apparently he was attached to the idea of playing drums in band class.

But I'm sure you can also tell by my grammar, that I am still hesitant. I am a routine person. I get comfortable in my life, get settled, and I have a hard time with transition. I realize that homeschooling will be a big transition, that I am going to have to get really organized, get more militant (ha ha), and start planning ahead. Having been a teacher and school administrator in a different lifetime, I think I can handle it. But what I really want to get through with my children's schooling experience are those life lessons that I feel are most important: a love of learning, making health and excercise a priority, knowledge of life skills, and of course... the academic curriculum.

Indeed, I have it in my head how I would like a homeschool day to go... In the morning we will wake fullly rested and happy. (You homeschoolers, don't laugh. This is my ideal vision.) The children will help make breakfast. My son makes amazing sunny-side-up eggs. Really, they're better than mine. ( Our next lesson is the omelette.) We will all clean up together, brush our teeth, and dress in sweats to prepare for a morning at the rec center. We will spend an hour or two rock wall climbing, playing basketball, swimming, or running the track... all things my children already love but have very little time for now. I want to make regular excercise a part of our routine life. (Apparently the kids' gym time at school is being cut 15 minutes due to budget cuts. When are they supposed to excercise? When they get home in the dark, after the hour of homework and before dinner?) I also want to show the kids that it's important for me, too. That message doesn't come across when I send them outside to scooter and bike while I stay in and work or relax. Of course, in the summer months that morning time might look more like hiking, biking, tennis and beach swimming!

After the rec center or morning outing, we will either go to the library for books or go to the grocery store. I want to give the children a small amount of money to purchase ingredients for a recipe that they have chosen to cook themselves for a family meal. They love to cook, but I also want them to learn about ingredients and cost of meals. If they stay within their budget, they will get to keep the change! After lunch we will do our lessons. I plan on using Time4Learning for my core curriculum. It is interactive online, and my children love to be logged on! As I study the curriculum, I realize that I am really going to have to brush up my fifth grade science and math skills... but I look forward to to the challenge. I also know that there are other home-school moms for whom science is fun (you know who you are), so I'm hoping to tap them as a resource!

I'm not sure how it will all fit together, but my hope is that our schedule will free up time for Chailyn (especially) to get involved in theatre, something he's wanted to do forever but we've never had the time. Kayden will be able to focus on her art, and they will both get to put some energy into music. If it's in our budget, Chailyn will go to the Detroit School of Rock and Pop for electric guitar. If not, then he'll have to stick with the Riley band class. I may teach Kayden piano myself, until she learns basic skills. Then if she shows further interest we'll look at piano teachers. They can both continue with dance... this is Chailyn's seventh year of dancing, Kayden's fourth. Continuing to be on the basketball team, trying out for soccer, continuing with scouting, group art class, and other extracurriculars are all on the table.

While this is my ideal concept of what homeschool will be for us, I know that could change at the drop of a hat. But that's what's great about it... flexibility... impermanence. We can drop everything and go on a field trip to the Detroit Science Center or Arab American Museum. We might decide that we are going to watch Planet Earth in the morning if we are particulary tired, or go to the Imax to see the 3-D Space Station movie. Or we might take a month in the winter and drive to Florida to see our Grammies! We can visit the science centers there and study marine life while we soak up some sun! Or we might be able to head to Grandpa's for blueberry picking or a presentation at his library! The possibilities are unlimited!

I have a unique opportunity, and feel very fortunate that I am in a financial situation to be able to try this. My children are only going to be children for a short time, and I really don't want to miss it! I also want to help my children develop their inquisitive minds, their self-esteem, and most of all to follow their passions.... something that I wish I would have done while I was too busy in school becoming "well-rounded."

On the Fence

Last night, as my son lay snuggled in his bed with a book, the reading lamp casting such a nice soft glow that I wanted to cuddle right in there with him, I talked with Chailyn about home schooling. I said that Daddy and I had spoken earlier, and we were trying to decide if we should home school next year.

He kept his eyes quietly on his book... a normal response from him.

"That would mean that when your friends go to Riley next Fall, Evi and Catherine and Brenden, you would stay home." I watched his face as he thought for a moment.

"Well," he finally said, now lifting his eyes up to meet mine, "I think I do want to go to Riley."

My mind whirled! It was all I could do to breathe in quietly through my nose, and release. I had just spoken to Kayden, telling her that we were simply in the process of making the decision and wanting to know how she felt. She was ready to come home tomorrow! Just the thought of it left her falling asleep with a slight grin on her lips.

The bigger thing was that I spoke to Jason after he read my post from yesterday, and he was totally on board! This came as kind of a surprise to me, but in retrospect it shouldn't have. He never wanted the kids to go to public school for several reasons, but simply conceded to my wishes. In fact, he made it clear that since the bulk of the schooling would fall on my shoulders, and it was my time during the day, it was totally my decision. Okay, so that was pushing me over the fence a bit.

Then, to hear that Chailyn WANTS to go to Riley, to upper elementary (actually the school that I am very nervous about), just blew me away. But I have to understand that he's getting older now and wants to socialize with his friends. He has this whole other life that he lives from nine to four every day that I am not such a big part of, that I only hear about through dinnner conversation.

I tucked my son in, kissed him on the head, and with a tender smile told him we could talk more about it soon...

As I walked down the stairs, I began to think about the "school side of the fence." Both of the kids got off the bus yesterday happy and bubbling... Kayden excited that her friend at was going to make her some hair bows, and Chailyn thrilled to be starting a solar system project! Right there, that day, there were two examples of my children loving school, weather they want to leave the house in the morning or not... And THIS morning was a resounding "NOT!" (Honestly, it was like a scene from Supernanny.)

So, now I'm sitting right back up where I was before... with the points of that white picket fence jabbing me in the buttocks. The grass in our own back yard is pretty green, and the organic garden beckons. But the playground on the other side is shiny, and their friends are calling. And here I am, just sitting.

The soothing balm in all of this, the padding under my rear, if you will, is a bit of wisdom passed to me from a friend: Impermanence is beautiful. Whatever I decide does not have to be for life, doesn't even have to be for a year. I need to take a lesson from the Buddha and lay more stock in the everchanging motion of life. Ohmmmmmm....

Home

This thought surfaces several times a day, like a Blue Whale slowly rising above the water for a breath. It is a big decision to make, and the crazy thing is that a year ago I didn't even think of it as an option. Home. Home instead of school.

Last year my nine year old son stood in the parking lot of his school, resolute in his position that he would not enter the building. Tears streaming down his face, he stood there alone as I walked inside to bring out the guidance counselor. Every morning leading up to that day was a struggle... and mornings continued to be afterward. Although, he was never daring enough to hold his ground in the parking lot again. He must have concluded it was lost battle.

My son excells academically, but socially he has difficulty. If you know my son, you probably think he's a nice kid, handsome, compassionate, well-spoken. He's got a great singing voice and likes musical instruments. He has danced for six years and is interested in theatre and music. He plays basketball and loves to mountain bike. If you know my son really well, you know that he has emotional outbursts, he cries, gets angry, and pouts. He is not an athletically driven kid, not very competetive. But if you know all this, you also realize that he can be extremely tender and kind, funny, and accepting. He has a passion for reading and will read an entire book in one day. He is a child of extremes.

My daugher, Kayden, is not much like her brother except in one way... she does not want to go to school. After a long Winter Break, I had to tear her away from me to send her to her classroom. She cried for an hour at lunch time. She, unlike her brother, struggles more academically but has tons of friends and is quite socially stable. She is an average student, though, not failing. She likes her teacher and the staff likes her. She just wants to be home. In fact, when she discovered that home-schooling existed, she began to beg me every day to home school her.

It is because of these reasons that I began to entertain the question: Should I home school my children? My answer right now is, "I don't know." I have heard all the arguments against it, and in fact was in that camp myself for most of my life. The largest argument that I hear against school at home is lack of socialization. Or, "You want your kid to be normal don't you?" I just find so many flaws in that position.

My children have danced since they were three and would continue to do so if they spent their days at home. They are active in church with kids of all ages. My daughter does scouting and art class, my son basketball. These things would continue, and more, if their time was more free to pursue what they are truly passionate about. In fact, right now I feel like they don't have time to engage with other children in a natural setting... the skills they learn at play are so crucial to development. We are lucky if we carve out an hour for them to play each day. I don't understand how sitting in a classroom with twenty-five children their same age, all doing the same thing, is building their social skills. In fact, I feel like it is only training them to function in a school environment.

The only other real opposition point I hear is that I will lose "my time at home." Or, that I could use that time to go back to work or pursue higher education. While I have considered both, and have tried working part time, it doesn't really suit me. I am blessed to be able to stay home. I did not have a stay-home mom when was a child, and perhaps I am trying to fill a void... but for whatever reason, I love being a homemaker, household supervisor, stay-at-home mom, whatever label you put on it! I love it. And even if I did pursue a career, it would be writing, which I could do during and about the experience of schooling my children!

As far as personal time... I would think if I was spending all day with my children, I would feel better about using evening time for volunteer activities, nights out with my husband and friends, time for myself. Right now, when they leave for school at 8:30am and get home at 4:15pm, we all have a hard time if I am gone at night. In fact, there are some nights when Chailyn has basketball and I have a volunteer meeting that we see eachother for maybe an hour for dinner! That just doesn't seem like enough.

So it probably seems like I am talking myself into this. Even though I see the logic in it, I am still so on the fence. Why? Why do I feel like it is this overwhelming decision that I can't seem to make?

My intent in this writing is to document my decision-making process, to share my emotional rollercoaster, and to get feedback from anyone on either side of the fence.

...and just so you know... right now, it's really quiet in here...